Sex & Relationships

From the Archives…Guy’s Perspective – Truth and Lies: How to Make Relationship Magic

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[ed. note: this morning, we showed you what girls (and guys) DON’T want to hear. Now, let’s take another perspective…]

Nothing is sexier than a woman who knows what she wants. But communication can be scary! ‘What if he doesn’t like me after I divulge my deepest, darkest, wants and desires?’ Well, first of all, you’re awesome, so fuck him if he doesn’t. And secondly, who isn’t into “Fifty Shades of Grey”-style domination? (Answer: Only really short guys, which you’re not interested in anyway.)

The power of saying what you want turning into getting you what you want has been well documented in books like “The Secret” and films like What Women Want starring Mel Gibson.

If you say what you want, it will come true! It’s relationship magic! Now, after divulging your desires, a guy could always lie to you, but at least you’ll feel good about presenting yourself honestly (riiiiiight?)

Without further ado…

THE TRUTHS:

  1. DO YOU WANT A RELATIONSHIP? WOMEN! LADIES! CHICAS! If you just want a fling, tell the guy and he will get with the shtupping. If you actually want a relationship, it’s worth putting the dude on the spot and seeing if he’s of a similar mind. Otherwise, guys like to pull sneaky lawyer tricks like, “Well, we hadn’t DTR‘d” or “I never said I was looking for a girlfriend” or “Wait, you didn’t want me to bang your sister?” If you say you want a relationship, you can at least scare away the douchebags who don’t have the courage to lie to you. And if you can’t tell when a douchebag is lying to you, you will not last long in LA, New York, or Gainesville, FL.
  2. WHAT GETS YOU OFF? Hey, guess what: women all have different buttons, and I’m not a button master, I’m a button-masher (Street Fighter II anyone? … anyone?). The male equipment works like a toilet – hit the handle enough times and we’ll flush. Women’s equipment works like brain surgery – just a few millimeters can be the difference between success and permanent blindness. Our goal is always success. HELP US HELP YOU. To dudes reading this, ask her if she doesn’t tell you. She’ll thank you later.
  3. WHAT GETS YOU ANGRY? So, say the guy wants a relationship, makes you scream to Valhalla in the bedroom, and owns his own ice cream maker (I personally use a custard base for vanilla) — from this point on, a man’s goal in the relationship is to keep you happy enough to sleep with him. If you know something will send you into a fury, tell us. Better yet, tell us what makes you happy (and if you don’t know, don’t blame us for not being able to do it.) And when we do something that does make you furious (which we will) please tell us what it is, and let us try to fix it. Nothing is worse than having an angry lady who just wants to make us suffer, even when we’d go to the moon to make her happy (FACT: Neil Armstrong went there to make up for leaving pubes on the soap).

THE LIES

  1. STUPID STUFF THAT DOESN’T MATTER This includes things like: whether you’re happy we’re at a restaurant we’ve already ordered food at, the haircut I just got, whether I make enough money, and whether or not you like my best friend. Just lie and say everything’s cool, because complaining will only make us think you suck. These things have already happened, we need to make the best of it, k babe?
  2. YOUR NUMBER OF SEXUAL PARTNERS Let’s all agree this doesn’t matter. But, as a guy, I will always be curious. So lie to me. Please lie to me. Yes, I shouldn’t ask this question in the first place, and I definitely shouldn’t care, but it will freak me out if you say… 100. If you can, get the guy to give you his number first. Then just lower his number by 30% and you’ll be in the clear. Be the virgin-ier one.

If you stick to these truths and lies, not only will you feel good about asserting yourself, your future husband/sex partner/emotional punching bag will be grateful as well. Now if only men knew what they wanted…

By Ben Fast

12 thoughts on “From the Archives…Guy’s Perspective – Truth and Lies: How to Make Relationship Magic

  1. Whether the person your dating likes your best friend is stupid shit that doesn’t matter? Really? Seems pretty make or break.
    And why should you lie about how many people you slept with if it’s considered stupid shit that doesn’t matter? You should be able to tell the truth if it actually doesn’t matter.
    I think this guy’s confused about what not mattering means 🙂

  2. Interesting take Rachel… I guess you’re right that you should probably tell someone if you really hate his best friend, but there’s a high chance you’ll end up alienating your boyfriend and/or ending that relationship. Best-friends fall under an almost “in-law” type status, in my opinion. Sure, you can complain about someone’s in-laws, but I think we’d all prefer if you just sucked it up and dealt with how annoying they are instead of making each interaction doubly painful by bitching about it the whole time (which you end up doing in our hypothetical marriage at thanksgiving).

    As far as number of partners, I’d love to hear you tell a guy you’ve been with 100 men and see how he reacts. My point is that in my mind I know it doesn’t matter, but sometimes we’re not mature enough to realize that.

  3. I think we will have to agree to disagree. Just seems like your opening argument that Nothing is sexier than a woman who knows what she wants conflicts with the idea that a woman who knows that she wants to sleep with whoever she wants is shameful and she should lie about it. you say to speak up if you want to DTR and it may drive immature douchebags away, but saying you’ve slept with any amount of guys over whatever the acceptable number is should be hidden so you DON’T drive immature douchebags away. I get that it’s your opinion, it just honestly feels kinda offensive to women – hope your next girlfriend doesn’t google you, lol 🙂

    • Ah! Not meant to be offensive to women. I’d give the same advice to guys. LIE LIE LIE TO APPEAR NORMAL! That’s actually my bumper sticker. “I am lying to you about having enough money to own this car so that I appear normal.”

      And re: google, this article is the least of my worries… so no one google me. WHATEVER YOU DO. And if you see my face photoshopped onto any bodies, those are my actual abs. Hi future girlfriends! You know how to reach me.

      Thanks for commenting!

  4. First off, I really, really like this post in general so I don’t want to get too hater-y, but “be the virgin-ier one”? Ugh. Isn’t it time we move past that? The fact that dudes have easier to operate junk AND they’re entitled to (admitting to) having more sex seems unfair.

    I know I’m sort of echoing Rachel’s statement above anyway… sorry. Gloria Steinem made me do it.

    • I don’t know if men are entitled to admitting more sex. I had a conversation with a friend about a year ago where he told me his “number” was 20 and that he thought it was too high. No one likes to feel like a slut… be it man or woman, but historically the shame has been left to the women, while it’s cool for a dude to “sew his oats” as it were (or be super powerful and cheat on his wife). I think as power structures change, the expectations placed on being “virginier” will become shared equally. To be frank, I prefer to skip the conversation completely.

      Woah. That just got real. Penis. Vagina. Booger. (phew, still got it)

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