Sex & Relationships

The Over Investment

matters of heart

I’d consider myself somewhat knowledgeable when it comes to money. I know I like spending it (mostly on my myself) but lately I’ve learned that I need to start saving it. For instance, in the past few years I have set up a 401k, a Roth IRA, and put my otherwise-would-be-wardrobe-money into some mutual fund stuff. Basically I’m diversifying my assets. This asset allocation junk, (according to but not referred to as such by my financial advisor) has something to do with spreading your money out over different stocks, bonds, commodities, etc. with the goal that the accumulated average of all the different assets will yield a positive return. You wont see as big of a return since you aren’t going all in, but its less risky.

Therefore if you were to tell me to put all my money into just one stock that has the potential to see large positive returns but that I know absolutely nothing about I’d say “Ya right pal. Don’t play me for a fool. No really, that’s crazy thing to even suggest. I mean seriously come on. Also are you going to finish that sandwich?” (I imagine this conversation would take place over lunch and I would make a real kerfuffle in hopes of getting the rest of that sandwich.)

To bougie gals in this capitalistic world money comes second only to love (ok, aside from family, friends, happiness, grandma, blah blah blah). So if that’s the case, then when it comes to matters of the heart why are we so quick to pour all we’ve got into one unknown stock? Why do I have such a vested interest in gaining the interest of he whom I find so interesting without any guarantee of return on interest?

Let me break it down like this: I’ve just learned about this stock (man) I know very little about aside from his market analysis (Tinder profile) or if I’m lucky he’s had a good review from a broker (friend) but after only some preliminary research (a first date) I’m convinced he is going to make me rich (marry me and promise to love me forever and ever and have two perfect children that we send to private- eh maybe public we’ll have to see what part of town we’re living in-school, and we live happily ever after, the end). That sounds super crazy, right?

Well I don’t think it is. I think its unbridled optimism. We want the happy ending that we’ve been promised and when we meet someone who we think has the potential to give us that, we jump in headfirst. We want so badly to believe that this glimmer of hope is going to pay out big.

But what if it doesn’t? What if it turns out to be just another volatile stock and you’ve put all your funds into it and are left flat broke when it busts? Are we not better to be spreading our assets, literally and figuratively, all over town hoping for a half decent profit?

Woof, I don’t know. That sounds even worse (and potentially super slutty). Is there a way to be conservative with our hearts and still get the big payout?

Here’s where I’ve netted out. In terms of money, I think I’m going to play it safe. I mean mama needs something to fall back on in case my fairytale has an alternate ending. But in matters of the heart, I say screw it, I’m all in. I want to play fast and loose and risk it all for a chance at the jackpot. Ya, I might end up on my ass, but if there is anything I’ve learned about love and money it’s that with perseverance and a little hard work (and help from Mom) we can get back on our feet again.

Ding, ding ding! The market is open!

By Lauren Celinski

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