Los Angeles is the perfect city for dog owners: there are tons of dog parks, dog beaches, even dog restaurants! Dogs are welcome nearly everywhere. That’s fine with me- I’m all about equality! But equal means we’re all on the same level and I know you dog lovers would save a dying pet over a dying baby any day! Seriously, the dogs of LA have been put up on a pedestal, and it’s pretty much taboo to not be totally in love with them! Ugh. Saying you’re “not a dog person” usually elicits a gasp and an uncomfortable silence between you and any Angeleno. And, frankly, I think it’s time I speak out on behalf of those of us who refer to “doggie bags” as something our leftovers go into, and not our dog’s shit… gross. Here are the five reasons why I’m not a dog person:
1- I’m Soooo Insta-Jealous
I get jealous when I see dogs with more followers than me on Instagram. Their paws can’t even properly use an iPhone, how do they have 10k followers?! And who has time to IG from more than one account? If you have that much free time would you like to come over and do my laundry for me? ‘Cause it’s piling up!
2- Pretty Hurts (Beyonce reference!)
I never grew up with a pet… and I never really wanted one. Why should something cuter come into the family to steal my thunder? I want my mom to be showing off pictures of ME, not pictures of Fluffy. The only thing worse than a picture of somebody elses ugly baby is a picture of their dirty animal. And I feel pressured into calling that creature cute!
3- Language Barriers
When someone that I know approaches me with their dog, I always feel obligated to acknowledge it, and I never know what to say. So, I default to treating it like a baby. “Hi cutie! What’s your name?” *awkward pat on top of it’s head* Then, things get even weirder when the owner responds for the dog. Are dogs babies? Are babies dogs? How do I talk to either?! Just leave me alone!
4- I’m A Germ-a-phobe
I wash my hands immediately after petting a dog. How do dog owners not immediately feel the urge to shower when a dog licks them? Dogs don’t floss and mouthwash daily! Even my (human) boyfriend won’t get any love in the morning unless he’s brushed his teeth.
5- Call Me Miss Independent (Thanks Kelly Clarkson)
The idea of taking care of something else with such basic needs as: food, cleaning up its poop, and playing with it- is beyond exhausting. How am I supposed to feed a dog when I can’t even regularly grocery shop for myself?! Do they like In-N-Out? Because I do.
Now excuse me while I un-follow your pet on Instagram.
By Kylie Hodges