[Editor’s Note: From December 23 – January 1, Team QLC will be taking a much-needed vacation! During this time, enjoy our top posts from this past year.]
Nothing is sexier than a woman who knows what she wants. But communication can be scary! ‘What if he doesn’t like me after I divulge my deepest, darkest, wants and desires?’ Well, first of all, you’re awesome, so fuck him if he doesn’t. And secondly, who isn’t into “Fifty Shades of Grey”-style domination? (Answer: Only really short guys, which you’re not interested in anyway.)
If you say what you want, it will come true! It’s relationship magic! Now, after divulging your desires, a guy could always lie to you, but at least you’ll feel good about presenting yourself honestly (riiiiiight?)
Without further ado…
- DO YOU WANT A RELATIONSHIP? WOMEN! LADIES! CHICAS! If you just want a fling, tell the guy and he will get with the shtupping. If you actually want a relationship, it’s worth putting the dude on the spot and seeing if he’s of a similar mind. Otherwise, guys like to pull sneaky lawyer tricks like, “Well, we hadn’t DTR‘d” or “I never said I was looking for a girlfriend” or “Wait, you didn’t want me to bang your sister?” If you say you want a relationship, you can at least scare away the douchebags who don’t have the courage to lie to you. And if you can’t tell when a douchebag is lying to you, you will not last long in LA, New York, or Gainesville, FL.
- WHAT GETS YOU OFF? Hey, guess what: women all have different buttons, and I’m not a button master, I’m a button-masher (Street Fighter II anyone? … anyone?). The male equipment works like a toilet – hit the handle enough times and we’ll flush. Women’s equipment works like brain surgery – just a few millimeters can be the difference between success and permanent blindness. Our goal is always success. HELP US HELP YOU. To dudes reading this, ask her if she doesn’t tell you. She’ll thank you later.
- WHAT GETS YOU ANGRY? So, say the guy wants a relationship, makes you scream to Valhalla in the bedroom, and owns his own ice cream maker (I personally use a custard base for vanilla) — from this point on, a man’s goal in the relationship is to keep you happy enough to sleep with him. If you know something will send you into a fury, tell us. Better yet, tell us what makes you happy (and if you don’t know, don’t blame us for not being able to do it.) And when we do something that does make you furious (which we will) please tell us what it is, and let us try to fix it. Nothing is worse than having an angry lady who just wants to make us suffer, even when we’d go to the moon to make her happy (FACT: Neil Armstrong went there to make up for leaving pubes on the soap).
- STUPID STUFF THAT DOESN’T MATTER This includes things like: whether you’re happy we’re at a restaurant we’ve already ordered food at, the haircut I just got, whether I make enough money, and whether or not you like my best friend. Just lie and say everything’s cool, because complaining will only make us think you suck. These things have already happened, we need to make the best of it, k babe?
- YOUR NUMBER OF SEXUAL PARTNERS Let’s all agree this doesn’t matter. But, as a guy, I will always be curious. So lie to me. Please lie to me. Yes, I shouldn’t ask this question in the first place, and I definitely shouldn’t care, but it will freak me out if you say… 100. If you can, get the guy to give you his number first. Then just lower his number by 30% and you’ll be in the clear. Be the virgin-ier one.
If you stick to these truths and lies, not only will you feel good about asserting yourself, your future husband/sex partner/emotional punching bag will be grateful as well. Now if only men knew what they wanted…
By Ben Fast