Sex & Relationships

My IKEA Couch Is My Boyfriend


I stumbled across EKTORP while shopping with a friend in my favorite stress-inducing retail store. “Should I take it home?” I thought. I was weary. All signs pointed to “no.” The thing was in pieces, disassembled if you will, and it just seemed like an emotional risk. I had just gone through my own breakup; was I ready to take this on? I handed over my credit card to foot the bill – the answer was yes.

EKTORP quickly became a large portion of my existence. I know, I know, “… You shouldn’t jump right back into a relationship.” But, EKTORP was different. For example, the first time we had dinner, (as always) I dropped food down my blouse and it happened to land on EKTORP’s newly fashioned European motif. I sat there, embarrassed and pissed for wearing a white shirt with magnetic capabilities. EKTORP didn’t care.

The first time we slept together was just as pleasing. Comfortable, and everything I had ever dreamt of, literally; my nights were typically riddled with nightmares. I only had pleasant thoughts on top of EKTORP and no part of me wanted to change positions.

Eventually… I did, but only to grab the clicker. Of course, EKTORP was open to any of my On-Demand suggestions, and didn’t mind that I wanted to stay in on a Saturday and binge watch 7 episodes of Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition. (The pits, I know.) As a fair exchange, I also watched Girl with The Dragon Tattoo. I’m talking the original starring Noomi Rapace, not Rooney Mara.

The love affair has continued. Fast forward to football season, now known as “RedZone Sundays.” EKTORP accepted what has morphed into my personal version of a K-hole. Drunk on my fantasy wins (lately losses), and far too lazy to change the channel, EKTORP continues to suppress any indication of annoyance when the RedZone end card appears and remains unchanged for hours on end. In fact, the looped music is just a white noise at this point.

Space is important. Special nights when I decide to be social, EKTORP would never think of giving me shit about who I’m meeting up with or what overrated bar I end up at. EKTORP is always home to greet me with open arms, and those moments really make me step back and think, “… This is exactly where I want to be.”

Everyone needs some Swedish love in the form of a comfortable sofa once in a while. Fresh out of a long-term relationship, it’s proven to be rather therapeutic for me. Sure, there are days and nights when it would be nice to introduce EKTORP to someone who shares a few common interests (mason jars, cheese, Dave Chappelle reruns… among other things), but having alone time is critical to developing a relationship with yourself.

Like many mid-to-late twenty somethings, I’m still wandering down that path of self-discovery. But, amidst that uncertain journey, one thing is crystal clear: I’ve found solacea feeling I was never acquainted with on a solitary level – and EKTORP deserves a little credit for steering me in that direction.

So next time you approach my favorite stress-inducing retail store, just think, there could be an EKTORP (or a KARLSTAD, or STRANDMON – depending on your type) eagerly waiting to help put you back together.

By Kathleen Langlois

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