Over the past 2 years, November has notoriously become the spawn of a new tempting, yet unflattering fad called Movember. For those who don’t know: during Movember, guys who are participating must remove all of their facial hair, save The Mustache. Now, I am what one would call faint of facial hair so in years past I have declined to participate in Movember. Citing the obvious reasons (e.g. I don’t want to get picked up on the street for looking like a child molester) caught me a lot of flak last year amongst some others who joined in on the event. Nonetheless, this year I have cast away all worries, alerted the authorities in advance, and bought myself a few new mustache combs, because I’m joining in on Movember.
The month doesn’t only consist of a bunch of idiots growing mustaches. The idea behind it all is to raise money for men’s health. Um, not gonna lie, that sounds like the sketchiest thing I’ve ever heard. I thought there was some kind of organization that collected the money like the Red Cross or Salvation Army, but it turns out Movember is the company. Just kidding, in the last week I have talked with some people who did Movember last year and found that the money goes to the Prostate Cancer Foundation and LIVESTRONG Foundation, two very legit disease research organizations.
At this point, I’d like to take a look at my top 5 finalists for mustache style. I’ve got a few styles I am toying with. Spoiler alert, one will be kinda a Hitler ‘stache… sorry.
- Hulk Hogan Mustache – Now this is basically what they call a handle bar mustache, meaning you have the hair grow in across the top lip and then down the sides of the mouth, creating the handle effect on the top. Now I’m no blonde, but can still have a handle bar. Take a look at that Thunderlips!!!
- Charlie Chaplin – This mustache should be pretty thick and only goes a bit wider than the nose. Charlie Chaplin’s was more full. Go too narrow and you end up looking like Hitler; I’m nervous I would like more like the latter and I don’t want to do that.
- Burt Reynolds aka The Bandit – If you haven’t seen Smokey and the Bandit, I’m not surprised. We are in our 20s and that show is old as shit. But you know Burt Reynolds!! Fun Fact: My great uncle and his partner in Venice have this picture of Burt hanging outside the door of the guest room I stay in when I visit.
- Salvador Dali – Lot of effort here in this mustache. I’m pretty sure you would have to have a lot of lead time to get that kind of length going. I am not taking this style into consideration, but thought I would share it, because it’s pretty bad ass. P.S – did he use hair gel to keep that thing up like that? Axe better come out with some new shit…
- Walter Cronkite – A pioneer journalist, Cronkite seems to have the most attainable mustache type for my capabilities. It’s a thinner look, sleek some might say, and that’s what I’ve got to go for. With only 1 month, I’ve got to be realistic. Cronkite is a guy I can admire too, not just some shlep off the street.
For me Movember this year represents more than just having a mustache and raising some money. It is something that being in my 20’s and having these questions and insecure feelings about life, that is a way for me to forget about any issues I have with my job, relationships, money, family, or friends. At the end of the day, I get to look myself in the mirror and say “YOU HAVE A FUCKING MUSTACHE,” and laugh. I’m even looking forward to it.
Get involved in the cause and help donate here. I will be sending weekly updates on my “Mustatus” with pictures and descriptions of what the heck I am doing. For a complete list of causes that Movember fights, please visit here.
[Editor’s note: Check out Ian’s status from Day 7 below:]
By Ian Barto