I went to my typical Saturday morning spin class last weekend at Flywheel, and it was like any other spin class walking it. The room was peaceful and dark, I went to my usual bike, Lacey was the instructor, and I was full of energy. The class was amazing, as always, and then Lacey announced we had one last song left. Avicii’s WAKE ME UP came on. This is definitely my favorite song of the summer, and its upbeat tempo should have made me burst with explosion and get really excited. Instead, I found myself starting to tear up and hold back crying. You should know, randomly crying when a song comes on is not unusual for me, but to cry during a party song like this, is.
I’ve been feeling lately like the world is on my shoulders. Like I can’t keep up or stay afloat. I realize that I am a person that is busy because I make myself busy. I know that no one is telling me to put in overtime at work, or make sure that this blog stays up and running. I do those things to myself, because I enjoy them. But sometimes I feel like I am sinking. There is a powerful line in WAKE ME UP that reads, “I tried carrying the weight of the world, but I only have two hands.” This is what I’ve been feeling like lately. And when I heard it in that moment it really struck me. I’m trying to do EVERYTHING, and realizing, I need to slow down and only do what I can handle at a given time.
Everyday I think that there will just come a time where I’m caught up. When I’m finally floating and things are perfect. Avicii says “Wake me up when it’s all over. When I’m wiser and I’m older.” Will everything make sense when I’m older? Will I grow up from this phase and just coast along?
I think to myself on some days that I’m not doing enough. I’m not getting up early enough, I’m not watching the news enough, I’m not thin enough, I could put more hours in at work, I could talk to my friends and family back east more, I should travel more, I should network more, etc. When I expressed that I felt this way to my therapist (yes, I see a therapist, and I think it is the best thing anyone can do for themselves) he said to me, “But it’s 7AM on a Saturday morning and you are here in therapy. I think you should pat yourself on the back that you come here at 7AM on Saturday mornings.” I sat back and thought to myself, that maybe I should stop thinking about all the things I could be doing more of, and be proud of and happy with all the things that I have accomplished, and just breathe.
I think you are your own worst enemy. I will always be hard on myself, just like I think we all are with ourselves. But I think I need to WAKE UP and realize that I need to also be nice to myself. Because I can also be my own best friend. And I don’t know anyone else that goes to therapy at 7AM on Saturday mornings.
By Alex Devlin