Dating in the traditional sense has gone the way of the California condor – not yet extinct, but most definitely endangered. You went on a date last night? What, after finishing your work on your typewriter and returning the movie you rented at Blockbuster?
Most people I know only go on actual dates in one of two circumstance: if they met someone online, or if they’ve already been hooking up with someone. And in the case of the latter, making the transition to dating may be the exception rather than the rule.
The second decade of the 21st century may prove to be even more confusing and tumultuous to navigate than the first decade. Booty calls and sexting have now given way to booty tweets and Snapchat (okay, I’ve never actually seen a “booty tweet” – but you KNOW someone’s tried that before).
If you’re waiting for a guy to pick you up in his horse and buggy, whisk you away for a romantic evening and send you a telegram the next day to tell you what a great time he had, you’re out of luck. But amidst the chaos of the modern post-dating scene, there are still certain faux paus unacceptable enough to qualify as deal breakers:
1. He’s never sent you a text consisting of more than 10 letters. Less may be more in some cases, but if you’re sending texts on an iPhone, you have Autocorrect. “Wat u up 2” communicates what you’re trying to say, but would it really kill you to actually type out the word “you?”
2. His online dating profile picture is a selfie taken of himself standing in a front of a mirror. That wasn’t cool when we were twelve, but now you think it’s going to help you get a girlfriend?
3. Ten years after he graduated, he still thinks, and acts like, he’s in college. Despite his reluctance to let go of his glory days, the only “alumni” gear he owns is a t-shirt that says “College” on the front, because he can’t remember which one he attended.
4. His idea of a thoughtful, meaningful conversation with you is talking about how hot other girls are. Bonus points if he provides a high-level analysis of the physical flaws and shortcomings of these women.
5. He still washes his whites and colors in the same load of laundry. As his whites have turned into greys, this no longer poses as much of a problem as it once did. He also buys new socks and underwear every few months rather than washing the ones he owns.
6. He Instagrams a picture of every meal he eats, and often sends food back to the kitchen and asks them to improve the presentation. “Even the Walden filter can’t make this look decent!”
7. The last book he read was “Goodnight Moon” – and he got that as a book on tape.
8. He forgets your birthday, but is saved thanks to a friendly reminder from Facebook – which results in a “Happy Bday” post on your Timeline. He doesn’t make any mention of your birthday in person or via any other form of communication, because he believes the Facebook post absolved him of any other birthday-related obligations.
9. The headline on his LinkedIn profile reads: “God’s gift to women.”
10. He includes hashtags in all forms of communication, both written and verbal. This is acceptable and not a dealbreaker only if done ironically, and if he says “pound sign” instead of “hashtag.”
11. He’s demanding casual sex, no exclusivity or commitment, and that’s not what you want. He’s not going to change his mind, and you deserve someone who respects you.
12. His name in your phone is “Do not call.” You changed the name in your phone for a reason (possibly one of the the eleven reasons listed above). Don’t let a drink or two convince you that calling or texting him might not be such a bad idea after all.
Just remember – no matter the situation, Ryan Gosling will be there for you (albeit in meme form).
By Kathleen Toohill
- “QLC Video: Deal Breakers” by Team QLC
- “Why Dating is the Worst” by Kaycee Snowden
- “Guys Perspective: Truth vs Lies – How to Make Relationship Magic” by Ben Fast