Lifestyle / QLC

How To Never Sleep

Day One: Read stupid brain-melting internet articles for four hours straight.

When you’re getting tired, drink some relaxing “decaf” tea before bed. Stay up until 3:00AM sending neurotic work emails after you realize unfortunately, it was not decaf.

Day Two: Wake up for work two hours later at 5:00AM. Do not eat breakfast, but do have three cups of coffee.

Later that day, DO NOT take a nap! Instead, drink wine with a friend and drive all over the city looking at depressing apartment buildings you definitely don’t want to live in. When you get home, pinch your baby’s thumb in the baby gate, and be sure to bonk her head at least twice. When she won’t stop screaming, it’s time for bed.

When it is 9:00PM, realize that you have to be in small claims court at 8:30 the next morning and you have nothing prepared to win your case. Go through hours of old receipts and phone records after you beat yourself up for never making copies or records of anything.

Go to bed at midnight and for two hours give yourself a pep talk about what you will say to win your case with zero real evidence.

Ignore your crying baby at 4:00AM in hopes that she will go back to sleep. When you realize that is impossible and that she has major anger issues and is getting back at you for bonking her head earlier that night, put her in bed with you and let her crawl around for at least one hour before she falls back asleep.

Wake up one hour later at 5:00AM.

Aaaaandddd…… GO!

By Dylan Davies


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