Sex & Relationships

Online Dating: The Rundown

Guys, BIG things are happening in the world of online dating. Love is happening. Or at least random hookups outside of your social circle. Let’s do the rundown:


You’ve seen the commercials. You’ve browsed the pics. You’ve met the sex-workers.

You’re still single. Moving on.


CHRISTIAN SINGLES: Okay, I know what you’re thinking, “But I’m meeting all kinds of great Christian singles at bible study!” Wrong. Those are the LAME Christians. These are the cool ones that sign up for online dating. Christian singles is great at finding “god’s match for you.” OH RIGHT! What was missing from ONLINE DATING was GOD. He was like “Let me take some time away from creating everything so you can write a creepy message to a Christian girl.”

JDATE: Works even better if you’re not Jewish.


OKCUPID: Does anyone find it really strange that the creator of OkCupid is the one that sends you “Welcome to OkCupid” e-mails? Also strange that one of the website’s questions is “Do you want to sleep with the creator of this website? Yes, No, Maybe if he took me to dinner first.”  REAL WORLD: I’ve been on one date on this site, and it sucked. For some reason I am Facebook friends with her. UGH. Just de-friended. Still hate OkCupid. Too many questions!

COFFEE MEETS BAGEL: Who is the coffee? Who is the bagel? Why are we constantly trying to assign gender roles to food products!? It’s not HOT DOG meets RAW OYSTER or KIELBASA meets KUMQUAT. Honestly, this is my personal favorite — you get one match sent to you’re inbox each day, you say “Like” or “Pass”… and if you both click “like” you both get sent a text message on a virtual phone line that expires in a week. It’s basically how they would date in STAR TREK (Spock is a Virgo). I’ve gone on multiple “good dates” from this service. Feel free to define “good date” as you see fit. Don’t wait to join! There’s a waitlist.

TINDER: Part ego-booster, part-match maker, Tinder is the iPhone app that shows you a picture of someone and lets you HEART or PASS. If they heart you, it pops up on your phone, and you realize someone thinks you’re attractive. After you’ve acquired a stable of “matches,” you can then message 50 people something unique and witty, hear back from 10, go out with 3, and then start all over again. Write something fun in your profile, leave it empty, or simply copy Kaley’s blurb: “I see you 19 year olds, you’re hot but too young!” My sentiments exactly.

I know it can be hard to find the perfect dating site —  a site that really wants to get to know you, doesn’t move too fast, but is still mysterious and a little bit of a bad boy. Maybe the “perfect site” isn’t even out there… maybe it’s some romantic construction we’ve invented to help us sleep at night. Whatever the case may be, we owe it to ourselves to keep looking. Keep clicking. Keep ordering those two drinks and hoping for that last first kiss

By Ben Fast


10 thoughts on “Online Dating: The Rundown

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