Health & Fitness / Lifestyle

Man on a Cleanse: One Guy’s Adventures in Juice Cleansing

juice-cleanseMy new roommate owns a juicer, and, on a particularly sunny afternoon in April, we got into a discussion on the merits of juicing. Not just juicing — but cleansing with juice. Citing the oft-cited fact that we all have ten pounds of undigested meat in our stomachs, and with the promise of juice being able to “clean that all out,” and frankly just being bored and delighted by new age challenges, I embarked on my path towards one week of vegetable and fruit juice.

THE RULES:

  1. There will be no eating, only drinking. If I get really hungry, I can drink any kind of juice.
  2. I can drink coffee. No booze.

THE FIRST DRINK: April 7th, 7:00PM

  • 1 cucumber
  • A bunch of kale
  • Half a bunch of spinach
  • One apple
  • Half a lemon
  • Some ginger

All of this just fills up my pint glass with a frothy green mixture. I drink it in 3 minutes. That’s dinner. Then I watch SNL. I feel like it’s a really funny episode, but think that the juice has nothing to do with it, it’s mostly Melissa McCarthy’s physical comedy. Wow, she can make high heels funny.

  • ENERGY LEVEL: Normal
  • MOOD: Normal
  • FATIGUE: Normal
  • ABILITY TO WRITE THE WORD NORMAL: High

April 7th, 8:30PM

I’m only ninety-minutes in and the hunger is intense. Cupcakes on TV distract from the dialogue. I compensate by drinking a large glass of water and then juicing two grapefruits. I have no idea how I will last for a week. Seriously considering heating up some hot milk and adding honey to it. Maybe juice in a banana.

  • ENERGY LEVEL: Normal
  • MOOD: Hungry
  • FATIGUE: Normal
  • DESIRE FOR CUPCAKES: High

April 7th, 8:35PM

Ok, I’ve been informed milk is not allowed. Looking into alternatives. Drinking more water. Maybe I’ll dip into my apple reserve and toss a banana in. Can you juice a cupcake?

April 7th, 11:30PM

Water has sufficed. My laziness re: cleaning the juicer has prevented me from cutting up apples, but as I type this, the word apples has triggered a hunger pang, and now I’m thinking of having apple juice. FUCK, I WANT FOOD.

Again, only four hours into this.

April 8th, 12:30AM

Going to bed without eating. Hard to fall asleep. Got some reading done. Lots of energy.

April 8th, 6:40AM

I AM AWAKE without an alarm clock. It feels like during the night a small fish extracted every last bit of nutrients from my mouth cavity. My gums feel almost swollen/pecked over. At this point if there is a Dr. House reading this, he or she is probably coming to some different conclusions about what I am eating and what is actually going on with me. I may have smoked a cigarette last night. That was the only thing I lied to you guys about. SWEAR.

April 8th, 7:00AM

I just cleaned my room, and I’m not expecting to have a girl over. WHAT IS GOING ON? Honestly, I think if I invite a girl over and she sees my room is clean, she should get a little offended that I think she’ll be easy. And then she should sleep with me.

April 8th, 7:30AM

JUICE! Two apples, four carrots, ginger. This juice tastes really good, and is really orange.

CHECK IN!

  • ENERGY LEVEL: High
  • MOOD: Positive
  • FATIGUE: Average
  • ANGER AT CLEANING THE JUICER: Simmering Rage

April 8th, 9:00AM

Really hungry still. Juiced a grapefruit. I no longer have fruit in my fridge. ALARM! ALARM! Must go buy produce.

April 8th, 10:30AM

Smoothie — orange juice, strawberries, banana and a coffee.  COFFEE IS CHEATING!

April 8th, 1:15PM

Strawberries? One dollar for a pint. Tuscan Kale? Check. Bag of oranges? Got it from the guy on the corner. Boo ya. Spinach, Kale, apple, lemon, celery, cucumber. DRINK.

April 8th, 3:10PM

I drink a pint of fresh squeezed orange juice. Still fucking starving. I keep opening the fridge hoping some how the cheese will magically disappear and enter my stomach without me eating it.

April 8th, 3:50PM

Not sure if i just hallucinated an earthquake or if that’s just my body shaking.

April 8th, 4:30PM

Body eating itself.

April 8th, 5:00PM

Need more OJ.

April 8th, 7:00PM

Dinner juicing! Celery, kelp, lettuce, spinach, apples, lemon, ginger… followed by a lovely desert juice: strawberries, orange juice, banana.  Whoever said you shouldn’t eat fruit before bedtime is probably a racist.
I’m making racist jokes and it’s barely been a day.

  • ENERGY LEVEL: Normal
  • MOOD: Normal
  • FATIGUE: High
  • RACISM JOKES: Still Politically Correct

April 9th. AM.

Slept a lot last night (8+ hours), woke up and had a green shake (kale, spinach, whatever crap I own.) I believe my body has now acclimated to the all juice diet and is giving me the respect I deserve.  Still a LITTLE hungry but not going crazy anymore. I think this is kind of like when you drink heavily for a few days in a row how your body adjusts to it. (“Oh, more beer? I can live off of this.”)

April 9th, 12:15PM

Lunch juice! One whole bag of carrots and an apple. Followed up by two grapefruits. I just played basketball outside for an hour and am very thirsty. DRINK LOTS OF WATER, GUYS AND GALS.

April 8th, 4:00PM

Still thirsty. Getting a headache; I think i need to drink more water. More OJ… laziness is overwhelming me. I can’t clean that fucking juicer again. It gets little green bits everywhere and is ruining my sponge. It’s a GREAT sponge.

I drive to go see a movie, but it ends up selling out and suddenly I’m stuck in the valley with no movie and no juice and nowhere to eat that sells fresh juice… I’m goingggggg crazyyyy and with a friend and I’m extremely weak so… I give in to my bodily urges. I eat.

After 2.5 days, I go to an Italian restaurant. I eat prosciutto and melon, homemade ravioli, and lots and lots of bread. So much bread that it makes me feel sick/drunk on bread.

So, in conclusion… don’t do a juice cleanse unless you REALLY want to do it.

It’s a serious commitment to juice.

Also, I never got the ten pounds of meat out of my stomach. I did end up feeling energized, thinner, and healthier… but it really really sucks to not eat food. FOOD IS GOOD! Also, you should probably do more research than I did, or get one of those fancy expensive juice companies to bring you everything for $1,200 so you don’t have to keep cleaning that motherfucking juicer.

By Ben Fast

10 thoughts on “Man on a Cleanse: One Guy’s Adventures in Juice Cleansing

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