Lucas* is European. I use this statement constantly to explain and excuse his comments and behavior. He’s one of my oldest friends and probably the most generous person I know. He’s also the loudest and most energetic, especially when he drinks. I’m pretty much convinced there’s Red Bull & vodka running through his veins instead of blood.
The man is a machine. A sex machine. Man, does he love the ladies. Lucas counts his fashion sense, his baby blues and his accent as some of the most effective weaponry in his arsenal and damn, is he smooth when he uses them. Balls honest truth, Lucas would rather starve than give up vagina.
[ed. note: If you hadn’t already guessed, this post is not rated PG-13 or below.]
A few years ago, our friend Des* threw herself a birthday party of epic proportions. There were midgets involved. Excuse me, little people. That promise alone was enough to make sure my entire schedule was cleared to attend. Lucas was supposed to roll with me and our other friend Lauren* that night but a couple of hours before we were set to leave, he texted me and said that something had come up and he would meet us at the party.
Three hours into the festivities, I was on my fifth Guinness, lit up and having my own personal dance party to Adina Howard’s ‘Freak Like Me’. I was simultaneously in a hot debate with Lauren and our friend Tom* about how most women would say it’s more insulting to have your guy cheat on you with a person less attractive than yourself than if they chose some ridiculously gorgeous specimen to bang it out with. Lauren agreed with me. Tom could barely wrap his head around it.
Out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of Lucas. With an eye patch.
“Um, what’s up Johnny Depp? You all good?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
Blank stares and gaping mouths from all three of us.
“Dude, what happened to your eye?”
I don’t want to talk about it.
I begged Lucas for months to break his silence and tell me what the hell happened to him the night of Des’ party. I knew something amazing was behind that eye patch and I needed to know what it was immediately.
I’m going to preface Lucas’s amazing revelation to me about that night with this: For some reason, he somehow manages to get himself injured in some random way when he’s getting naked or sometimes if he’s just in the vicinity of a hot woman. Like the time his date was feeding him a spicy tuna roll with her chopsticks and as he returned the favor with his shrimp tempura roll, he leaned into the votive candle on the table and lit his entire arm on fire. The casualties were the sleeve of his favorite shirt and all of his arm hair. But Lucas refused to let a little charred flesh get in the way of his getting laid that night and made sure to do so with his arm slathered in burn cream, wrapped tightly in gauze and the stink of burnt hair still in his nose. Sexy.
The night of Des’ birthday, Lucas was hanging out with Charlotte*. The first time Lucas hooked up with Charlotte, he had informed me in extraordinary detail that she was a squirter. I’m not sure he could have been more proud if she had won the Nobel Peace Prize.
A few hours before it was time to hit the party, Lucas had Charlotte laid out on his bed with his head buried between her long, beautiful legs. Lucas was in all his glory. Going down on a woman was one of his favorite past times.
Ladies, take note: A man who loves to eat pussy is a man you want to hold on to and put in your stable.
Lucas was completely fascinated by this talent of Charlotte’s and was intent on witnessing it as much and as closely as possible. He had told her earlier that he had wanted to watch her cum so she should be sure to warn him when the fireworks, or should I say fire hose, was about to go off. Charlotte obliged, and when the time came (really, no pun intended), she gave him the grab of the shoulder along with the verbal warning: I’m going to cum. Lucas heeded her call and only backed up a few inches because he wanted a front row seat for this show. So he put his elbows down, rested his chin in his hands, stretched a big retarded grin on his face and had his eyes wide open like a five-year-old waiting anxiously for the magician to pull the rabbit out of his hat.
Shot square in the left eye. Silver bullet right to the left ball. Man down.
Lucas jumped back in agony. Rolling around on the bed in the fetal position, his eye covered with both hands.
“Oh my god! Are you ok?!”
“You came in my fucking eye!!!”
“You squirted DIRECTLY INTO MY FUCKING EYE!!!!”
“Oh my god, oh my god, OH MY GOD!! I’m so sorry!! Let me see! Let me see!!”
Lucas sat up and Charlotte slowly started to peel his hands away from his injured eye and moved in to hold his head steady while she examined her handy work. As soon as her hand moved in to touch his face, a lightening bolt of pain shot through Lucas’ eye again – residual ejaculate coming back to assault him for round two, obviously. Lucas flinched instinctively to protect his throbbing eyeball but rather than feeling the sweet relief from the protective reflex, his eyelid closed down on one long manicured dagger.
Charlotte yanked her hand away and fell backwards.
“You just scratched my fucking eyeball out with your fingernail!!!”
“Lucas!! Oh my god!! I am SO sorry!!!”
“Fuck. Shit. My eye is on fire!!! I can’t see!! I’m fucking blind!! God dammit!!! It’s BURNING!! Son of a bitch!! I think I need to go to the hospital!! Charlotte, am I going to lose my eye?! Am I going to have to tell people that I have a glass fucking eye because a girl squirted me in the eyeball and then clawed it out with the eagle talons she calls fingernails?!?!”
An hour later from the emergency room, Lucas sent up a smoke signal: ‘Something happened. I’ll meet you there.’
Diagnosis: Severely scratched cornea compounded by extreme eye irritation from female ejaculate.
Remedy: Eye patch.
Squirter: 1. Lucas: 0.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Gaze lustfully and adoringly, appreciate the view – revel in the beauty of it. But never, ever look a vagina directly in the eye unless you can take a hit like a man.
By Tracy Pope
*Disclaimer, Yo: The content is real, provided by several different consenting sources and based on fictional characters inspired by actual people. Names have been changed for obvious reasons. Creative liberties are taken to character build but these hilarious and mortifying experiences are all true. Hot, weird, crazy, funny shit occurs when people get naked together. It’s awesome.