You haven’t got your shit together, you’re struggling to keep a job, and you’re definitely not in a “good place” to have a relationship. Enter the friend with benefits (aka: FWB).
You’ve known them for a while, they’re attractive, they like you, and most importantly, they want to have casual sex with you. It’s easy to take the FWB for granted. Heck, that’s kind of what defines the relationship – you taking your FWB for granted.
But then the whole thing explodes in your face and you lose a friend and a sex partner and a social circle and you start to realize… those FWB benefits were frickin’ awesome. But better than healthcare benefits? Better than modern medicine? Better than a free boob job? Chances are, you will lose both benefits during your QLC.
In today’s healthy living breakdown, we try to decide which loss is worse – healthcare benefits or friend w/ benefits?
FIRST UP: SEXUAL HEALTH
You’ve got a stinging in your hoo-ha or your pee-pee. Healthcare means a low co-pay to get checked and judged by a person who you’ve met before and knows your name. Without healthcare, you have to go to the “wait in line ’til you die” free clinic.
Ok, yes, having to pay a bunch of money to make sure you’re clean sucks, but wasn’t it better when you could have sex like… whenever you wanted? FACT: People who have sex all the time are better at sex. And you’ve just lost your best “practice sex” partner. No more imagining how grateful your future husband/wife will be that you did all that practice sex.
Also, the STD thing is moot if you just get him to WEAR A CONDOM all the time and make sure they don’t rip from that super aggressive sex you’re constantly begging for.
WINNER: FRIEND – I mean, duh, of course the sex friend is going to win the Sex category. That’s their best feature. Maybe if you had a doctor you were screwing this would be different….
NEXT UP: PHYSICAL HEALTH
Now, right off the bat, you gotta think this category is going to healthcare. But I want to make a solid case for the friend with benefits here. Sex is often the most exercise I get. It’s also good solid cardio (…if you do it on the Stairmaster).
As for the FWB, sometimes they’ll be laying pipe while carrying a terrible virus-like bird flu or pig flu or the shit-your-brains-out flu (you shouldn’t have eaten his day old sushi – this is not code for anything dirty, it’s literally day old sushi you shouldn’t have eaten).
So what do you do when you get sick? You need a real doctor, not a guy wearing a doctor’s outfit investigating your boner-itus (warning: symptoms include wanting dick).
WINNER: HEALTHCARE – your body needs doctors, sexy or otherwise.
AND NOW: ECONOMIC HEALTH
Let’s talk cash. COLD HARD CASH. Which incidentally makes cash sound like a corpse. Which is what you might end up like if you get taken to a hospital and don’t have healthcare. These visits are basically the equivalent of date rape – “But the patient was askinggggg for it!” the nurse on call will say. And that’s true, you will be asking them to sew your limb back on, or pump food through a tube, or do anything to keep you alive. But the bill will seriously wound you to the point of not being able to walk straight (did you know that our healthcare economy is larger than France’s ENTIRE economy? KNOWLEDGE BOMB DETONATED!).
A friend with benefits wasn’t paying for dates to begin with, so no money lost there. Maybe you’d get a big “pocket change” treasure trove with a few shiny quarters, but unless you’re a dollar menu kinda gal (and who isn’t), that’s not a big victory (unless you get the apple pie).
WINNER: HEALTHCARE – this shit costs money! Friend sex is free!
ROLLING ALONG TO: MENTAL HEALTH
Now, word on the street is that healthcare will pay for a ‘head shrinker.’ Whether or not people take advantage of this head-shrinking person is up to them. This writer should be seeing one, but he doesn’t have healthcare, and the little yellow pills he found in that dumpster are working fine, thank you (I crush them up into my GoGurt).
Back in my days as a neurologist at the Institute For Tight Pants, I learned that the act of sex releases all kinds of good neurotransmitters in your brain. These are things that prevent you from going crazy if you’re a man, and make you go crazy if you’re a woman. [ed. note: thanks for that ‘fact,’ bro!]
Factually speaking, women get a different neurotransmitter that makes them want to get married. LOOK THAT SHIT UP. No, seriously, please look that up, I’m making up half of this article from drunken crib notes I wrote in that dimly lit bathroom at a bar.
WINNER: FRIEND – having sex makes you happy and the good kind of crazy.
AND LASTLY: SOCIAL HEALTH
Oh, that friend circle you knew and loved? Irreparably shattered by your FWB breakup! The average healing time for a friend with benefits to become a recovered friend is three months. But sometimes these relationships are NEVER repaired, and you go through the rest of life unhappy and snorting Adderall at 11am on a Tuesday.
Healthcare means that you can go to the tooth doctor and get rid of that funny smell that was coming from your molars; people will talk to you again! But without friends… do you have people who want to talk to you?
WINNER: FRIEND – having a social circle destroyed sucks.
IN CONCLUSION: FRIEND WITH BENEFITS WINS.
3 to 2 – Losing a friend with benefits is worse than losing healthcare benefits.
Also, Obamacare means that in two years this will all be moot. Don’t make me into a liar, Barack!
By Ben Fast
Previously: “Truths and Lies: Relationship Magic” by Ben Fast