Vita,* aka V, is my best friend. She’s a tall, pretty brunette with legs up to her armpits and eyes that can either slit your throat or tear your clothes off. She’s witty, sharp and the sound of her raucous laugh can fill a crowded room. Her dirty mouth rivals mine, as does her ability to filter what comes out of it. Vita’s the kind of ballsy girl you’d want next to you in a street fight – loyal to the death. V don’t take no shit from no one – especially from men. As far as V’s concerned you can take her or leave her. And if you have a problem with that, well, you can go fuck yourself.
Vita had been on a couple of dates with Jason* and so far, so good. If he continued to play his cards right, he was going to get his brains banged out on date three. After some stimulating conversation over an expensive and delicious dinner, the pair headed back to his place. V quickly focused on settling into Jason’s couch, adjusting her tits so they looked extra alluring and the overall readying of herself for the copulation dance to begin. The mood was set. Chill music on. Wine glass topped off with a full-bodied red. Hot man kissing her passionately. The more intense the make out session got, the more V just wanted tear into that body of his like a starving model.
But first things, first. Quality control.
Ladies, if you’re aching to get into a man’s pants – best be checking that the goods are up to par and in working order, prior to digging in. Kind of like shaking the box your Christmas present is housed in. You’re hoping it’s the new pair of boots you’ve been salivating over but there’s always a chance it’s tube socks. And there is nothing worse than trying to cover up raging disappointment while someone is staring at you with wide, expectant eyes. Naked.
V slowly moved her hand down Jason’s chest, unbuttoned his jeans and dove on in, shaking the box and excitedly hoping to find boots. No boots. Tube socks. Tube socks made for a small child. Tube socks made for an infant who was intent on making a hard right turn. Six foot two, full package (up until that point), Jason had a penis that belonged on a toddler. And to add insult to injury, his cock was set at a hard 90-degree angle and absolutely determined to exit to the right of his jeans, immediately. It could sub as a crossing guard.
V needed time to think and in an effort to remove herself from the situation before throwing herself down on the floor and having a full-blown tantrum over the mammoth, er, miniscule, disappointment she was feeling, she quickly excused herself to the restroom.
Pacing back and forth on Jason’s tiled bathroom floor in her six-inch heels, V shuffled through probable excuses that would get her out of there as fast as possible without crushing his soul.
Click, click, click.
Migraine, stomachache, cramps. Everything that she came up with sounded lame and she was unable to eliminate the blatantly obvious fact that her hand had JUST been down his pants when she suddenly leapt up and left the room like her ass was on fire.
Click, click, click.
Sudden onset of gout, unshaven legs, broken pinky toe. Dammit!
At this point her best plan was to run as fast as she could from the bathroom, grab her purse, run for the hills and never look back. As she was doing deep lunges and rolling out her neck, heels in hand, ready to launch through the bathroom door and sprint the fifty paces to the front door, she looked up.
Window. Window large enough for a small woman to crawl through. Window open. Screen popped.
As V shimmied her ass through that tiny bathroom window and towards the sweet taste of freedom, she sent out a silent thank you to Jason and his tiny penis for at least having the decency to exist on the bottom floor of the apartment complex.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be aware of all available exits. And limber enough to execute unconventional ones swiftly. You never know when a miniature problem will force you to climb out of a window and leap into the dark oblivion of night.
By Tracy Pope
*Disclaimer, Yo: The content is real, provided by several different consenting sources and based on fictional characters inspired by actual people. Names have been changed for obvious reasons. Creative liberties are taken to character build but these hilarious and mortifying experiences are all true. Hot, weird, crazy, funny shit occurs when people get naked together. It’s awesome.